the denial of grandchildren

Hey, I won a public speaking contest today for Toastmasters International. It was a humorous speech contest that had to be between 5-7 minutes. Here is a fairly accurate replication of my speech - I ad-libbed a bit. I think a funny speech worked best for me. I've only given a few speeches and I've already won a contest. Most of the speech is 100% true but some parts have been slightly embellished to add a small dose of humor.

"Thank you Mrs. Contest Chair, fellow toastmasters, honored guests. I want everyone here today to know that it’s a currently a VERY happy time in my life. I’m 28 years old and for the last two months I’ve been a single man. Granted, it’s only been two months so the excitement may wear off, but for now I am very happy. It’s been many years since I’ve been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year. For the past few years, what I’ve lacked in quality, I’ve done my best to make up for in quantity. Two years ago I spent the entire opening day of the NFL season picking berries, to my great delight. Last year I spent it at an outlet mall saying, “Oh, yes, that blouse looks so lovely.” But this year I spent the entire day in front of the TV watching football. This makes me very happy.

Not everyone is happy that I’m currently single. My mother has been begging me to have children since I graduated from college. Whether I have a girlfriend at the time or not means nothing in relation to her request. “Michael, when are you going to have children?” she asks at least once per month. Unfortunately for my mother, I don’t think it’s going to be any time in the near future. A lot of you in the room are parents. I want you to think about how you would react if your son or daughter called and told you that they were expecting a child. Depending on the situation, some of you might be thrilled. Some of you might be horrified. I think that given the circumstances of my life, thrilled should not describe the way my mother would feel if I called and gave her the news. But… I’ve long suspected that if by some accident I winded up as an expectant father with someone I barely knew that my mother’s reaction would be quite different from that of most parents. Very recently I asked her if that was the case. I said, “Mom, if I winded up getting some stranger pregnant, you’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you?” And she sheepishly replied, “I would.”… just as I suspected. One of my mother’s favorite things to tell me is that I need to hurry up and have children so I’m not changing her diapers at the same time I’m changing my children’s diapers. My mom recently turned 59, so I think she’s being a little dramatic.

Once upon a time, I thought I was going to get married. My college sweetheart and I were together for 3 years, and she’s probably the reason I’m standing here talking to you today. I graduated a year ahead of her, and went down south to pursue my graduate degree. The year apart was hard. So I decided to leave school at the University of North Carolina to come back north in order for us to be together. Less than six months later I was sleeping on an air mattress in the basement while she went out on a date with her new boyfriend. It’s because of this that I’ve long suspected that the movie “Good Will Hunting” ends with Matt Damon traveling across the country to “see about a girl.” There’s probably a reason that they don’t show what happens when he gets there! Considering how he treated her for the majority of the movie, it was probably a bloodbath. Before long he’d be back in Boston working construction with Ben Affleck and everyone is miserable again. Just like the old days.

One thing I’d like to make clear while I have the opportunity. Whether I’m single or I’m not… I NEVER sleep alone. [hold up picture of Jack] Sure! He’s pretty lazy. He’s hairy, and a lot of times he smells bad, but I’m sure that a lot of women could probably say the same thing about their husbands.

The truth is… I’m 28 years old and I’m focused on my career. If something great comes along, fine. But I’m not going to be out searching for something that I don’t feel like I desperately need in my life. There will come a time in my life when everything falls into place and I wind up in a wonderful situation. Knowing this is why I’m very happy right now… unless any of you happen to talk to my mother in the near future. In that case, I’m out looking for my future wife at this very moment and I won’t rest until I find that special someone. Mrs. Contest Chair."

The next round is October 14th where I have to give the same speech. We'll see how that goes.