When I lived in Australia, there was actually a period in time when I wanted to leave and come back to the United States. Sure - it was probably during the one week when I actually had to pretend I was "studying" abroad and take exams, but the fact remains - I WANTED to LEAVE.
Looking back, this is pure insanity. Within days of being back, after the thrill of being in America for the first time in half a year wore off, I wanted desperately to go back.
And so it's been.
When I lived in North Carolina I wasn't happy for at least half of my time there. I wanted to come back North. I had reasons, which again, in retrospect weren't very good reasons, but that fact remains that a part of me wan't to leave there.
After I decided to come back to NY, I remembered how much I loved North Carolina and part of me didn't want to leave.
After I came back to NY and ever since, I've really wanted to go back. I still do.
So, the question remains. Am I encapable of being happy with the things that I have? Or have I just not found what I'm looking for yet?
I don't like Syracuse very much, and part of me can't wait to get the heck out of here. Don't get me wrong, there are things I like very much. I love my house. It makes me proud and every piece of progress I make on it makes me feel good inside. I sort of like my job (?). I enjoy the dog park, and mostly the people are pretty nice. But overall, the fact that I don't want to stay here for a long period of time isn't too surprising. My original plan when I took the job was to live here for two years and leave. Somehow this got altered and I can't exactly remember why. One thing I know with total clarity is that living in Syracuse, NY is not my life dream.
Now that I have the house, every rational part of me says that I need to be here at least five years. I need to actually have a home for once (I haven't lived in the same place for more than one year since I was 18 - coming up on 10 years)... I need to make sure my house doesn't turn out to be a terrible money losing investment. That's rational thought.
When I really examine my feelings and emotions, do I really want to be here for five years? Five more winters? I have few friends here. The fact that I'm single and also pretty lonely doesn't help, but hopefully that won't last any longer than I want it to. But that's location independent. It doesn't really make any progress answering the fundamental question of, "do i want to be here?"
I still don't know 100%. Most of my friends live in Northeast PA. My family is there. I know hundreds of people there. Makes the most sense, right? Problem is, I don't really want to live there either.
Do I want to go back to Chapel Hill? (sort of) Someplace else? (also intriguing)I don't know! That's the problem.
Every time I come back to the conclusion that Syracuse just isn't for me - I have to wonder, am I ever going to be happy any place that I go? My inclination is to think that I just haven't found what I'm looking for yet, but is that just wishful thinking?
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