This is something that can be filed under "mildly embarrassing", but I don't think it's too much of a stretch to include it under this subheading.
I'm going to take you back to a magical place and time. Yes - we're back in the year 2000. My freshman year of college. It's an important time in a lot of people's lives, getting away from home... finding out who you are. You don't have anyone watching over your every move. It's pretty much the greatest year in any teenagers life.
This scenario is much different now then it was then. Now by the time kids make it to their dorm assignment they are already friends with 150 other incoming freshmen on Facebook. Let me tell you something crazy - Facebook didn't even exist until my senior year of college! And even then it was only for Ivy League schools! So yes, I had Facebook when it started off but it was just me and the rest of my superdork, world-beating friends. To this day I still access my Facebook account the old way, by going to cornell.facebook.com, and not just regular old Facebook. I'm oldschool like the old school. But this isn't about that.
This is about how different life was. Cell phone? Ha. I had a phone in my dorm. I was late to the cell phone party but even then I'd say only about 15-25% of kids had one. iTunes? No way. How about Napster when it was still totally illegal and awesome? I was so out of touch that in my first semester of college, I didn't even bother getting the T1 internet because I was perfectly happy with dial-up. WHAT? Remember that modem sound?
The internet was much, much different then it is today. These are times we won't ever see again. Heck, amazon.com just sold books.
But let's be honest, the main focus of the internet now and then and always is porn. To make one thing clear right off the bat, I can not stand regular porn (and by that I don't mean I'm in to weird stuff because I'm definitely not! I refuse to watch anything gross). Any time some bleached blonde thing with giant fake boobs is fake-moaning her way through getting plowed by some meathead with no body hair while she looks bored out of her mind... I'm not even remotely interested. I hate that stuff! Hate it! You might be surprised but this puts me in the strict, strict minority.
So, let's not forget, we are back in 2000 and I am out on my own for the first time. First time with a bank account, all that happy stuff. I'm also an 18 year old male, so let's be realistic here... I'm looking for porn. (And ladies, let's just be realistic here...any man you know, ANY man is looking for porn on the internet. Your boyfriend is not different. Don't kid yourself. He's a man and he's looking. This probably also includes your dad. Sorry!)
So I decide that I'm a fool and I'd like to soon be parted with my money. Now to pick a site which is going to get my $29.99. This is a big purchase for me, are you kidding? Now keep in mind that the internet is not nearly as varied then as it is now and I want nothing to do with this manufactured porn. This was before all the reality sites sprung up. So I settled on one that was out there just because I wanted normal looking girls that I might happen to pick up at some random party.
But there's always a catch, right?
The site...amateurfacials.com. I'm not sure if it still exists. You can check it out if you want.
My friends found out about this and for YEARS teased me about being in to that sort of thing. But the truth is, I'm not. I've never asked, nor will I ask someone to do that. I've never actually done it (well, close but accidentally),and It's just not something I'm in to. Keep in mind that I still hear stuff about this 9 years later. I just wanted the normal looking girls!
Now you might be wondering where does Chris Rock come in to play? Well, along with the freedom of being an 18 year old male with your first bank account comes having a mother who tracks what you're spending your money on. Ruh roh.
I forgot all about it and a month later I get a phone call from my mother asking me what such and such charge was. Now, luckily, they mask the charge. Because to this day I don't think I'm prepared for my mother calling me up and even saying or mentioning beautiful amateurs getting a facial. Even still, I had no idea what to say. I'm on the phone umming and uhhing while I think of something and finally I blurt out, "Oh, Chris Rock came here! I bought tickets. It was so funny!"
Not so bad, right? Except my mother proceeded to tell just about EVERYONE SHE KNEW that I went to see Chris Rock and for maybe a whole year family friends and relatives would be asking me about the time I went to see Chris Rock. I had to make up some stories and some jokes and I think I passed it off ok, but it got dicey in parts.
The lessons here
1) When I was 18 I was stupid enough to pay for porn on the internet.
2) I absolutely can not watch any porn with a real "porn star" in it. I feel like you needed to know this. It annoys me more than anything and I'm not really sure that's the point.
3) I'm not in to facials, despite what some scurrious gentlemen would have you believe
4) I never saw Chris Rock in person, although I wish I have. The money would have been 30x better spent on the lie than the truth.
5) People still laugh about this story 10 years later. I don't think it's the funniest thing ever myself but I can spin the story to make it a bit more interesting.
They were simpler times!
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