Good morning ladies, I know what you've been thinking. Am I quality enough for Mike Walsh to want to get all up ons? Will he consider me a treasure or just the frumpy mess that I am? Luckily, we have devised a handy quiz to let you know where you stand.
This quiz is not designed to be 100% perfect in relation to all your Mike Walsh compatibility needs - you can only ultimately score so high if you resemble Mimi from Drew Carey. However a strong showing here can get your foot in the door, and that might be good enough.
Question 1: What do you think of Nickelback?
(A) I hate surprises and think they are the worst thing in the entire world. Yes, Nickelback is absolutely my favorite band.
(B) Ehhh, I can take it or leave it.
(C) Every time a Nickelback song comes on the radio (and it can be any station), I want to find the nearest blunt object and ram it directly into a major artery.
(D) Gosh all their songs sound exactly the same. I find myself nodding along sometimes, even though it makes me very ashamed of myself.
Question 2: You're out in public and a man in jean shorts (jorts!) starts hitting on you. How does it play out?
(A) I will give him a chance, if he's cute. I mean, it's only a poor fashion decision. Who needs guys who know what's fashionable and what's not?
(B) I will be on guard and shield my abdomen from the inevitable Stone Cold Stunner that he is no doubt about to deliver to me
(C) It depends on the guy, but I might talk to him. Of course, If I end up liking him I will tease him about his jorts constantly until I can properly shame him into dressing the way I want him to.
(D) I will tell him that I'm a lesbian or ask him what aisle in K-Mart he shops in.
Question 3: If things go bad between you and Mike, what are the chances you will block him on Facebook?
(A) It depends, does the cocky motherfucker deserve it?
(B) Probably pretty low, Facebook isn't very important to me, and besides, what am I 12?
(C) I will absolutely block him, whether or not my decision is rational, appropriate, or justified.
(D) Mike Walsh and I will be getting married on July 14, 2012 so this question does not apply to me.
Question 4: What do you think about dogs?
(A) Oh my god, they are the cutest things! One day I will get a little thing and carry it around in a bag! I will take him everywhere!
(B) I hate dogs. Cats don't sell out for your affection. Dogs are needy and useless and so are the people who have them.
(C) I like dogs fine, but I prefer dogs that just hang around and don't have much of a personality. I think a perfect dog is one that naps a lot, stares at me blankly, and doesn't give me any love.
(D) I love dogs! It's great to take dogs hiking, play with them, have them lay on your lap. The happier and more playful my dog is, the better!
Question 5: My idea of a perfect date on a Friday night is:
(A) OuT cLuBBin' wit' Mike annnd MAH GURLS. Da drunker da better, aM I rite ladies?! MUAH.
(B) I quite enjoy sitting home and watching the Discovery channel for hours. Every Friday. And hang on a sec, "I'm 800 pounds and I'm in Love" is on again.
(C) A healthy mix of everything - out/in, something low key, a festival, a bar, out to eat. I like to do a lot of different things.
(D) Sitting in my car for hours, usually outside my ex-boyfriend's house. I know that bitch has to come out sooner or later and I think tonight I might actually cut her face.
Scoring:
1. If you answered (A); give yourself 0 points. If you answered (B); give yourself 8 points, this is a perfectly rational answer. If you answered (C); give yourself 2 points; if you hate such a harmless band with so much passion, what makes Mike think you won't stab him in the throat while he's sleeping. If you answered (D); give yourself 10 points, you and Mike are on the same page!
2. If you answered (A); give yourself 2 points. This is potentially a prudent decision, but Mike appreciates girls who recognize jorts for what they are... hilarious. If you answered (B); give yourself 10 points, not only do you earn a small amount of points for recognizing a former WWE superstar, you earn bonus points for protecting your neck! If you answered (C); give yourself 8 points; it's good that you will give the poor guy a chance. Maybe you can teach him how to dress. If you answered (D); give yourself 0 points, it might be a wise choice to summarily dismiss a bum in jorts but it's also not good to be so mean to him!
3. If you answered (A); give yourself 10 points. This is the correct answer. In a small amount of occasions, you might never want to see Mike Walsh or hear from him again. You have no way of knowing that ahead of time. If you answered (B); give yourself 5 points, this is a mature answer. If you answered (C); give yourself 8 points; this is not a choice that Mike approves of, but science has shown (scribble calculations on the back of a napkin = science: back the fuck up) that 85% of all women Mike has seen naked have blocked him on Facebook at one point in time. You're on the same page as most women Mike is interested in! If you answered (D); give yourself 2 points, the effort is appreciated but you're a little too gung-ho! Scale it back a bit!
4. If you answered (A); give yourself 2 points. Little dogs are the devil and they only want to fight everyone all the time. A dog is not an accessory or something you take when you want it to match your outfit. If you answered (B); give yourself 0 points, and stop taking the quiz immediately. If you answered (C); give yourself 5 points; At least you like dogs, but if your taste in dogs makes you look like an uncaring ice queen/robot, what does that say about the rest of your personality! If you answered (D); give yourself 10 points, a doggie play date is an excellent first date!
5. If you answered (A); give yourself 0 points. If you're under 21, then you can get a small pass on this one, but no. Grammar and spelling are important. If you anwered (B); give yourself 2 points, nerdy but not that nerdy. If you answered (C); give yourself 10 points; Congratulations - you're a functional and normal human being! If you answered (D); give yourself 0 points, but don't fret! You'll show that skank what's for one of these days. Don't give up on your dreams.
It's a very short quiz but our crack team of researchers has shown the results to be scarily accurate!
See how you did!
If you scored between 0-20 points: You don't have a chance with Mike. In fact, he probably hates you. But don't worry, champ. There are plenty of other fish in the sea with a higher tolerance for stupidity.
If you scored between 20-30 points: You're getting there - you show some promise. It might be wise to start listening to danceable indie music and brush up on your sense of humor. Don't give up!
If you scored between 30-40 points: Hey, how are you doing? You're pretty cool. Are you hot? If no - see 0-20 points. If yes, see 40-50 points.
If you scored between 40-50 points: You have earned the honor, nay the privilege, of catching the eye of the handsome gentleman himself. Your life is sure to be filled with pure mirth and joy from now until the end of your days, which will be many years from now after a long and happy life, or somewhat quickly after he rejects you and you spiral into drugs and reckless behavior. Congrats!!
(For humor purposes only OF COURSE, but I've been surprised by stupidity before.)
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