I have an idea for some things to write about... there really isn't enough hours in my days anymore, though.
I wake up around 6 to run, go to work, come home and take J-Money for his walk, cook dinner, go the gym, and by the time I'm home, showered, and settled, it's about 9 PM. I try to get to sleep by 11:30 at the absolute latest (I prefer earlier)... so I don't have a lot of free time.
On days that I don't go to the gym, I have a bit more time. I have the next two nights off so maybe I'll get started on writing the series I have in mind.
I had an idea to start a video blog thingy as well, which would mostly be played for laughs. I think I'm safe now in regards to people thinking my comedy videos are all about them and causing a major scene. The problem is:
a) making a video blog is a few hours work
b) I'm lazy and I lose confidence in how funny I am
People often tell me that I'm a funny guy but the problem I find is that there is no clear way for me to translate that to a mass medium. I could never be a stand-up comic, I don't have the confidence in the jokes I say. I try to write but eventually think everything sucks and delete it, even if it doesn't suck.
I honestly think I'm at my best just hanging around goofing on everything and anything that pops in to my mind.
This is difficult to translate into something productive, but it's something I think about.
I have all these ideas. I just wish I had the confidence to pursue them.
If I was as confident in every aspect of my life as I am when it relates to my intelligence and my performance at my job, then I would be an entirely different human being.
At work and intellectually in general, I never doubt myself. I know that I'm good at what I do and even though I might make some mistakes, I will fix them and do a fantastic job. I truly believe that I am capable of performing anything and everything that's presented to me.
I already covered how I wish I could be that confident in regards to branching out creatively, but it obviously applies to the way I feel about myself as a person. I'm not nearly as fat as I think I am, I'm not a bad looking guy at all, and some days I look pretty damn good.
But I just can't seem to get my self loathing under control sometimes.
Oddly enough, unlike most people who have the same problem, I am fully aware of what's going on and what I am doing.
A lot of my friends here at work can not understand at all how I will not allow myself to go on any dates until I get to where I want to be. And I admit, it's slightly odd. But I almost feel like I don't deserve it. It's not that I have low self esteem, because I do not. It's just that I have such high standards for everything, why can't that apply to myself?
I don't know... maybe that's just a rationalization.
I'm working on it.
This is getting long, so a brief story. My friend Bob is (in some ways only!) just like me. He's a lawyer, confident in himself, hilarious, a bit of a jerk at times, and has had some weight problems himself. We have had discussions in the past of how he or I or both of us would act if we were in phenomenal shape and had everything going for us...
He came to the conclusion that he might end up too cocky and feel like he's better than other people due to having a lot of success in a lot of different aspects of his life.
I feel the exact opposite way. I feel like a lot of the time when I am rude to people or when I say something that makes someone else feel bad it's because I'm not feeling as great about myself as I probably should. I'm the kind of guy who says or does something that I shouldn't and then immediately feel terrible about it and spend days apologizing if necessary. I think that if I was completely content with myself then a lot of the problem aspects of my personality would fade away in to the distance.
There's no denying that I have not done very many of the things that I should have over the last 5-6 years and hopefully now I can make the necessary strides to get everything under control.
And that's mainly why this needs to go to completion.
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