Nothing to write home about

I haven't really written anything for two weeks, although I have meant to a few times.

I just don't have anything to say.

The movie Revolutionary Road was quite possibly the worst movie I've seen in the theaters in many years. If it weren't for the Jason Biggs helmed "Loser", I might say ever. There were good performances, don't get me wrong, but the movie was just there. And oh so whiny. Starting about half way through the movie I started visually cheering for Kate Winslet's character April to kill herself. I think this simultaneously cracked up my girlfriend at the time and also made her question who is this crazy person she is sitting with. When she finally does die at the end of the movie (spoiler alert!) due to a self abortion stab wound...well, I was pretty pleased about that development.

I guess the reason that I bring it up is because although the movie kinda sucked, the theme sort of stuck with me. There's this sort of restlessness that boils just beneath the surface for these characters. Everything appears to be perfect on the surface, they've moved out to the burbs, bought a wonderful house, he has a wonderful job. But it's not right. Because Leo's restless, man.

I feel really restless right now.

I have this house, and to be honest, it makes me feel trapped more than anything. I love it; don't get me wrong. I take immense satisfaction in the fact that I own the place I lay my head down in every night. The day of my closing is easily in the top 5 happiest days of my life, probably top 3 even.

But, fuck, man, now what?

If I bolt now, or within the next two years, I am taking a HUGE hit. What I was so foolish about, and I think many others as well, is exactly how much a house really costs. I had no idea about equity. I figured if I paid $20,000 in mortgage payments in two years, I'd be able to sell the house and make a small bit of money. How foolish in retrospect. I pay off a whopping $100 in principle every month, and I'm really getting nowhere to show for it.

I think that under the right circumstances that I would enjoy Syracuse very much, especially now in the summer when the winter is a distant memory that I don't have to worry about for a few more months.

I think that what it boils down to is that I'm going stir crazy from the life I have decided to live the last few months.

Dedication is apparently a double-edged sword.

I have a few things planned for this weekend, so I'm hoping that will alleviate some of the growing tension I have been feeling lately within myself.

Many people will say that a large problem with America these days is that no one has any discipline. Everything and everyone is me! me! me! and now! now! now! I agree with the sentiment, but I'm also realizing that I am falling in to that trap of wanting what I want RIGHT NOW without having to wait for it.

Except that I will. Wait that is.

Looking at my blog it's easy to think that this is driving me crazy and I'm slowly killing myself by being anti-social. That's not exactly true. I just get in a mood every now and then and at the very least it gives me something to write about.

But, hey, at least it's finally starting to feel like summer. I think I just need to relax.